Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
COCAINE IS GR8
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
