Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
