Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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