please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
