the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
