i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
