in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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