I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
