I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I won the penis lottery.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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