This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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