You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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