ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
