The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
