I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
