I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
