life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
