Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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