shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
