I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
