btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
