Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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