So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
