Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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