what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize