if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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