if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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