Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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