i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
