Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
