I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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