john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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