im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
