the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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