sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
