Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
