I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I forget how to act sober
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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