I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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