no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Pooping to opera.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
