I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
