he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
