someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
