my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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