i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
