I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
