I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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