He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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