the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
