A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
