Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
