Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
