I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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