I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
