My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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