you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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