Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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