Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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