Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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