Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
