what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
