you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
