Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
